Mi Voz, Mi Testimonio
Un poco de mi cuento (a little about my story)... I went to public elementary and middle schools before being placed into a private independent high school by a program who focused on diversifying independent schools in NYC. There, I earned high grades despite my difficulty with socializing. I struggled at home with being the only female; except for my mother, I had no other female presence.
Each day I traveled 20 minutes on the public bus to school where I was one of three Latinx students in my graduating class. Contrary to home, I became vocal in school and highlighted my “Latin-ness,” which at times got me into trouble with the director. When I came home, I did not have to prove my “Latin-ness”; so instead, I focused on my strength and power as a female - or at least what I had been socialized to believe were the roles of mujeres (women). I watched sports, rejected cooking and cleaning, refused to serve people (guests, males or otherwise), avoided skirts and dresses and loved to lift weights as my PE option—all things seemingly “male.” I existed in a ball of confusion, trying to internally make sense of all of my worlds. Oftentimes I lived in extremes. I had to learn to navigate in both arenas; simultaneously, I wrestled to find my authentic self but instead lived in masquerade. This became my experience as a Latina, as a woman, as a student, as a teacher, and as a leader.
The mirror glared back as I started teaching in a bilingual class with all Latinx students. Sure I was and am evolving, but the messages I sent to them about being their amazing beautiful individual selves, I did not always practice for myself. I did not want to see a false image of myself reflecting back; and so I began my quest to express my genuine self.
Sure, I was loud, loved to dance and gave folks a huge smile while holding a good ice cold stare when needed. But was that an act? This was further tested when I became a leader and had both aspects of my identity tested. Was the school getting too soft and attuned to emotions? Why do your newsletters include Spanish when we all can’t access Spanish? Will you still be a leader if you have a baby? These were some of the doubts and questions folks casted on me based on my identity… And a pattern I heard too often from other female leaders of color I worked with. Out of these doubts, my research, mi voz (voice) y mi presencia (presence) were nacido (born). I started to face the system that created the imposter syndrome. I started to challenge microaggressions and biases directly. I started to lean into emotions and feelings as pillars of strength (I hired some amazing teachers using my gut!). I stamped that our gut and intuition are an essential leadership skill not to be ignored… And while it didn’t always settle well for others, pa’ que lo sepas… challenging standards and status quo is never quite an easy task.
With this I grant you an entrance into lessons learned from some amazing people - former students, peers, colleagues, poderosa mujeres who I have been honored to meet… I hope to share leadership support for whatever role you may have. And more importantly, I hope to give you a momentary release, a moment of affirmation, or a moment of connection in whatever form that may take as you read about mi testimonio, mi voz.
Disclaimer: Imposter system and perfectionism still kicks in… so granting public access to mi voz, mi testimonio and mis cuentos is a very vulnerable thing for this lil hard-bodied woman. And if it can offer an affirming space for some, or a place of refuge for others, then that means more than a momentary discomfort for me… mil gracias mi gente for not judging but rather receiving…
Excerpt taken from my dissertation and tweaked because… well perfectionism es una madre (is a mother)…